My advice for career-driven women who may want kids someday

A mom in tech’s perspectives on the biological clock, pregnancy, mom shaming, and career sacrifices

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I’m a millennial who’s always cared about her career. I graduated from MIT in the early 2010s and spent the next decade in San Francisco working my way up the tech industry. I’m also a mother of one lovely baby boy (soon two lovely baby boys).

Like many other millennials, I’ve had my fair share of anxiety and concerns prior to having children.

The concerns other (many of whom are childless) women have written on why modern women don’t want children resonate very well with me. For example, this article has over 10K claps, for good reason. In the post, the author wrote:

“…why women would want to risk their physical, mental and emotional well-being to bring life into a world that doesn’t value their health and safety and clearly doesn’t even see them as equal to men human beings?”

“…they’ll likely be expected to sacrifice everything in their lives — including their careers, interests and leisure time — and go above and beyond to care for their family…”

Given all these considerations, it’s entirely understandable why less women are seeking to have kids. It’s a lot of work, and it’s certainly not compatible with every desired lifestyle.

Before crossing the Rubicon myself, these would have been the only perspectives I could offer. However, now that I am a mom, I am able to offer new perspectives as well.

First and foremost, the decision to have kids is not to be taken lightly. It is not only an important decision, it is also the most irreversible decision you can make.

Let’s look at some other important life decisions:

1. Getting married.
2. Buying a home (with or without a partner).
3. Accepting a job offer and rejecting others.
4. Moving across the country, or the world.

None of these decisions are irreversible. You can leave a relationship at any time; you can sell the home you just bought; you can quit a job and try to get one of the other offers back. Some of these decisions are expensive to undo, but you CAN undo them.

There is such a thing as a reset button in life. It is scary to press because it involves leaving the familiarity (e.g. leaving a relationship, starting something new, etc.) but it is always there. That reset button is gone as soon as your kid is born, because if you are a responsible adult, you cannot quit your children. You cannot easily decide to just move somewhere new and start over.

I’m not here to convince anyone to have or not to have kids. I just want to offer my perspective and advice to women who are in similar professional situation as me, who may want kids, but have concerns such as the ones mentioned by other, mostly childless, authors.

Again, my perspectives are for women who are in similar professional (and therefore socioeconomic) situation as me. I’m not rich, but things I don’t have to worry about are: paying rent/mortgage on time, paying for daycare/childcare, and having a partner who’s willing to contribute 50% to the hard work of parenting.

Problem 1: pressure of “the biological clock running out”

My advice to any woman who are able to do so biologically is to freeze her eggs as soon as possible. I don’t see the downside. Even though I will soon have my second baby, I still plan on freezing my eggs after the postpartum period…just in case I want a third baby a few years down the road. Egg quality and the ability to get pregnant naturally do go down with age. But your egg quality is the age you froze the eggs, not the age you get pregnant. Simply knowing you have the option of having (biological) children in the future is a huge relief.

Problem 2: pregnancy and birth are scary and can change your body in negative ways

Before getting pregnant with my first child, I was also scared of how pregnancy will change my body. In fact, I have written a detailed article about it:

I was scared having a baby would ruin my body

Pregnancy can change your body negatively in several ways, most notably in weight gain and stretch marks. However, it is possible to reverse these negative effects. Though extremely difficult, I was able to lose all the weight I gained after the first pregnancy with diet and exercise. I was also lucky enough to have few stretch marks. However, if that’s not the case after this second pregnancy, I won’t be shy about seeking medical help to get rid of them (i.e. plastic surgery).

I used to think men are so lucky they don’t need to experience the difficulties and consequences of pregnancy. However, as difficult as pregnancy is (nausea, insomnia, discomfort and pain), feeling the little bébé kick is an extremely comforting and joyful experience. Because the negative effects of pregnancy and childbirth are reversible in most cases, I now think men are the ones missing out.

Problem 3: mom shaming

I live in Paris, and French people are not shy about imparting their opinions on you. My baby hates wearing shoes and socks. Whenever he’s in the stroller, he’d always try to take them off, and he’ll cry if he doesn’t succeed. More than once have my husband and I been told by some random French woman (it’s always women) that our baby is cold and needs socks, even though he was perfectly fine and took them off himself.

It used to anger me, but it bothers me less now. I don’t really have much else to add about mom shaming, other than quoting Taylor Swift:

And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off (hoo-hoo-hoo)

There will always be haters. No. Matter. What. You. Do. I hope one day more people will realize how rude it is to comment on other people’s parenting style, but we’re not there yet as a society.

Problem 4: sacrificing career, personal time, and relationship quality

This is probably the biggest concern amongst millennials like myself. It’s true, your career and personal time will likely take a hit.

I will tell you that there is such a thing as a pregnancy and maternity tax. No company will claim it openly for legal reasons, but there are true stories of offers being rescinded, and the like. It is also true that some companies will avoid hiring pregnant women or put additional scrutiny on women in their late 20s to late 30s. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happens.

Additionally, for pure biological reasons, unless you plan to pay your way through the difficulties of pregnancy and early motherhood with surrogacy and full time nannies, you simply won’t have the same amount of energy to put into your work and your career. Also, unless you have round-the-clock help from the children’s grandparents or nannies, chances are, your relationship too will experience adjustments like less quality time together.

Now with that out of the way, I do think there is a certain kind of richness in life that only children can bring. The best way I can describe it is this:

There’s a movie called Looper. In one of the final scenes, we see the protagonist realizing the Rainmaker’s mom will stop at nothing to protect her son, even knowing he has a terrible power that she has experienced herself. I never understood this kind of unconditional love. I thought the Rainmaker’s mom was selfish to protect her son. Maybe she was, but at least I now understand her.

This kind of unconditional love is something you only get to experience as a parent. As hard as it is to be a parent while working and sleep-deprived, I would choose this path over and over again. It’s absolutely magical watching my son grow up and developing a personality.

You could call all of these difficulties “sacrifices”, but they’re sacrifices you’ll be willing to make, because of the unconditional love you will experience. I actually think it’s unfair to call them “sacrifices.” Would you consider diet and exercise a sacrifice, if it’s something you want and the end result is a healthier you?

My career is important to me, but it pales in comparison to how important my son is to me. Prior to having him, I wanted to climb the ladder for me, for my own personal pride. Now, I want to do well professionally so I can provide as good of a life for him as possible, and so I can be a good role model in his life.

Whether or not to have kids is not only one of the most important, but also irreversible decisions a person can make in their life. It’s okay to take your time to decide. Even though women do face time pressure much more so than men, the existence of good egg-freezing and IVF technologies has brought and will continue to bring more equality to the playing field.

As rewarding as it is to raise a baby, it absolutely is hard. It is hard to balance a demanding career and parenting. I do not think having kids is right for everyone, and nor do I think it’s necessary in order to have a fulfilling life, regardless of what Harrison Butker might say.

However, if you might want kids, but are scared because of the negative effects that pregnancy and motherhood might have on your body, career, and personal life, I hope my story offers some fresh perspectives.